streek? lol. fuck. so I was supposed to take placement exams and I’m sucking dick at the warm ups. I got like a 50 on the chem one and made it up to the required 85 but idk if i have to take it again and get an 85 or if the make up counts and i have to do math ASAP, i just did my chem final presentation like in 5 minutes so i hope that doesn’t suck. cuz i was doing the chem test all day i didn’t get to exercise all day AND i ate really unhealthy today so I feel and look terribly fat, but I also feel and look way to skinny and i just wanna cry like a fucking bitch, but of course I won’t. my skin was finally clearing up really nice and then i broke THE FUCK out yesterday so i ripped all my skin off cuz it was pissing me off and my nose has been bleeding all day. it’s like a disgusting red pile of shredded skin. im fucking rudolf -_-. I think my ensemble competition is tomorrow. after school? and I was told by the directors I legitimately sounded good. but i only got a chance to practice once this 3 day weekend so i hope i didn’t fuck up sounding good cuz I’d be disappointed in myself. and all this stress of sucking at tests, my face looking like worse fucking shit than usual, eating and how uncomfortable i am with my body, and sucking at band means all I wanna do is smoke. and luckily i dont have a pack. because really, i’m terrified of getting cancer. like forreal. I can’t keep up this act of not caring about anything. well. it’s not an act actually. I don’t generally care. but idk why this week cancer has been hitting me hard. but i just wanna get away fro life for a second. because it’s kicking my ass this week and I’m taking it hard :/
i don’t know how i feel. my insides are just a mangled ball of every ridiculous emotion and idk what to make of it or what this is, what i am. and this wasn’t supposed to be me. i was on such a good path. was it you who through me off? or was i never even on it in the first place. am i a troubled soul? damaged. a ghost. should i just make my way on to the other side? im tired of being in this physical form. nothing good ever comes. nothing. nothing. nothing. how can i be so numb and hurt with all of me at the same time. pain. pain. pain. end. end. end. hmm. i love you. i’ve always loved you. and i wish we’d been something
real and that it wasn’t all a giant fucking lie. i just don’t know. but it hit me today, that i wasn’t supposed to be this. the sad thing is i probably know what happened. i do. and i should accept it. but instead, i blame it on my feelings for you and the complete shit way you treated me, but it’s okay bbyyyy cuz i love you. why did that happen to me, and why did we never become something. because you had all the power to save me. save me. save me. save me. save me. abandonment. and why am i just a bitch who complains about it and hurts about it and is crippled by the pain. can’t i move on? well fuck it cuz i like typing these and it makes me feel better. still. idk how much longer i can wake up to this feeling. this feeling i can’t name, but it feels… so very wrong. the things i do, the way i am, the feelings i have i was not supposed to be this person. but i am. and this person still loves you. and i hate myself even more (if that’s even possible) for loving you so much.
This week was really rough. And I’ve thought about making several long personal posts over the past month, because I’ve been having a lot of pretty intensely depressing times. But I haven’t yet. But tomorrow is gonna just. Fuck. It’s going to really hurt seeing some people there tomorrow. It’s just. The horn section was always my support. They helped me stay okay. Until…. It all fell apart. And seeing a few members. Particularly the ones who I feel hate me, at the event and table of all the other ‘friends’ whom I feel left me for another friendship…. It’s gonna suck. While im writing. The other stuff, is that… well… I have no idea who I am. I try and be what people want of me. People want the vulgar edgy slut who says inappropriate things and says shit……… even the most personal things I just try and be what people want of me. And I feel like everyone hates me. And I didn’t get into my college of choice. And yeah that’s all my fault cuz I fucked up my junior year pretty bad. And im faling chemistry and calculus and economics right now. So idk. Rough week. And I haven’t used writing to get my feels out in awhile, so I figured I would. Hope it helped. OH! and i’ve been thinking about you a lot recently. prolly because of topics discussed in the beginning of this. but some of the things you said to me, haunt me. haunt me everyday.
wow. you’re just on my mind all the time. and people still comment on the fact that you obviously still control my life, and it’s pathetic. and i think it’s pathetic as well… how long has it even been since we smiled together. and i still love you. am in love with you. so much, that i feel so broken without you. im not even real. im just a shattered hollow useless burden to the world. and i hate myself. and i hate myself so fucking much. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. and I’ve been acting so happy these past few months. and my days are so good, but i have friends and i laugh and i feel good, and still. and still i can tell im not there. and that im not whole. because the other pieces of me… they burn, they coil in pain at the distance from you that they are. and i don’t know what to do. because im tired. my soul is tired of loving you, and my body aches of your absence because…. because i don’t know what to do. i just don’t know. i don’t know. and i don’t just love you, i miss you. i miss everything. and my days just aren’t full and even the color in my life isn’t as vivid. i suppose i’ve progressed from black and white, but still…. it’s only you. i’ts only you. it’s only you that matters. and you’re gone. and you were never even here to begin with. what have i done. what do i do. a smoke a drink and a good fuck will have to suffice as medicine for now. like usual. —happy early valentines. i love you. i miss you. i miss who i was when you were with me and in my life.